Illusions of Soul

I expected more life. The time I have spent in Madrid, Paris, Milan, apparently I have become accustomed to nocturnal people. Those people who live as I did after my grandfather’s remedy. Who live as I live now.

I’m used to seeing them at all hours, walking along the cobblestone streets, spilling out of bars, rushing home for sleep, only to wake two hours later and head off for work.

It’s not like that here.

The city of lights is bright, but it looks closed. Human traffic is nearly non-existent after the sun goes down. If they have a place to go, they are already there. It’s as if they realize the night doesn’t belong to them.

It turned out the girl didn’t find me a monster after all. When we left the ship, she followed me for a mile, discretely she thought. Then, I doubled back and snuck up on her from behind. I wanted her to know what I was, so that she wouldn’t attempt it again. I told her to leave me alone, that she had nothing to offer me. I think she supected as much.

But it was a lie. She had much more to offer me than I had to offer her. She could give me a taste of mortality, of life. I possess only death and darkness. But still, it always tempts me, the human spirit, so eager it is to please and be pleased. I could have given her pleasure, undoubtedly, but in the morning I would be gone, and I no longer have it in me to be that callous.

That… and the truth. She was too tempting. On the street, it took all the will I could muster to not take. But alone in a darkened room, her sweet scent overwhelming my senses, that resolve would have left me. I know it would have. Though I’d consumed enough on the ship to sustain me for a week, I would want this one more. A little taste of sweetness to overpower the bitterness on my tongue.

The only signs of life are the bars. They are still crowded with people. If I’d gotten off the ship with any need for nourishment, I would have hopped from place to place until I found someone to take away with me. In places like that, it never takes long to find something to drink.

Instead, though I hate to waste the night hours, I have found a room at the kind of place where they ask no questions… which is good, because I have no answers.

I’m just tired.

They seemed surprised to be let go, the two crewmen who survived to the end of the journey. Their steps away from me were measured, cautious, as if any sudden movement would engage the animal and cause me to attack. But I needed them to guide us into harbor, and I told them, upon our safe arrival in California, they would be rewarded with their freedom. So they were.

My word is good, but people always expect me to break such promises.

With most of the crew dead, and those who are left very much aware of it, I had no choice but to come up from the darkness. The fear of these men is so strong, its invading all of my senses. The smell and taste and touch of it don’t thrill me like they used to.

They don’t look back. They don’t even speak to each other. My presence hangs over them. It alone cannot kill them, but it certainly kills their spirits.

I honestly don’t understand such fear on their part when I am huddled in the only corner that is safe for me, and the sun comes through the window close enough that it makes a glare on my screen. Between the two of them, and with an unexpected action, it’s quite possible that they could get the better of me. I owe my complete safety to the fact that they are both too frightened to find out.

It’s done. He came to collect our dues and was paid in full… just not in the currency he was expecting. It was nothing less than he deserved. And now I am sated. The women have grown closer too. They are no longer spread sporadically around the perimeter, but huddled all together as far from me as possible.
 
Except for the girl. She hasn’t abandoned her post beside me, but now it may be because she is too afraid too.
 
And they will see it again. Eventually, one of the other crewmen is bound to come and check on the one who is missing, and then another and another. I’ll kill them all. Again and again, they will be reminded of exactly what I am.
 
I am evil. Never forget it.

Every sound from above engages my instincts. I feel my body tense as if the fight has already started. It must be obvious, because she glances over at me every time.

And every time I ignore her. Her presence is a danger to her, and she doesn’t even realize it. If she is here, then there is no reason for me to be hungry, which makes her, also, a danger to me.

But I am a danger to him as well. I thought he would have come by now. I need for him to come. And when he comes, I will be so ready for him.

It’s hot.

I am shaking.

In my haste to be on my way, I left behind many things, but of all the things for me to forget…

Each turn of my head brings in the scent of them. Their sweat hangs on the air like perfume and I am seriously jonesing.

The crew has thrown down scraps that no one has eaten, so we are all hungry, but little do they know how much easier they have it.

Their food is unappealing.

I don’t know why, but, a few hours ago when she got up to go to the bathroom, the girl didn’t return to her corner. She walked over here and took a seat close enough that we could speak to each other if either of us so chose, but far enough to not be imposing. When she laid down, her head, resting on her wadded up jacket, was less than a meter away. She closed her eyes and went to sleep for real for the first time in nearly four days.

She hasn’t moved since.

For the most part, we have been left to our own devices. But we haven’t talked. We’ve barely moved. Most of the life in this hull is coming from me, and I’ve been dead for a very long time.

It’s taken him longer to come for payment than I had expected. He must be busy or not in the mood or just trying to make the anticipation last. But he will come. When he does, comes to collect his payment from each of us, will they be grateful? Will the untouched girl in the corner thank me for freeing her from her debt? No. He will come for her and I will stand between them, but I will never be her hero. It is then that she will discover that I am the monster.